Make Peace With Who You Are

There is a direct relationship between guilt, shame and self-worth. It is widely known that guilt is when we feel bad about something we did, while shame is when we feel bad about ourselves. Either way, when we carry a burden of guilt or shame, we invariably have low self-esteem. This sense of low or no self-worth leads to many self-imposed problems and this opens a plethora of self-destructive emotions. In essence, we turn on ourselves like a ravaging disease.

At some point in our lives, each one of us has no doubt observed this notable and undeniable truth: nobody ever seems to feel good enough about themselves. We are too fat, too thin; we don’t like our nose, our chin, our hair, our behind; and so the shame list goes on and on without end. We incessantly torment ourselves over whatever it is that we don’t like. Further, we associate whatever it is that we don't like with our self-worth. In our minds, as long as this "something" exists, we are somehow just not good enough—we carry a more damaging form of guilt called shame, and the effects are the same—self-destructive.

When will we begin to appreciate our own uniqueness?  Whenever we compare ourselves physically with others in an unfavorable way, we cheat ourselves out of our own individuality. The media would have us believe that we must be in style with the latest fad. But is it really written somewhere that we must all look alike? or dress alike? or act alike? Very likely, the only place it is written is in our minds.

Rather than put ourselves down continually, we must work hard to concentrate on our positives, focusing on that which makes us unique and likable. We all have things that we would change if we could. Even people who we think have it all, don't. Nobody has it all because no one is perfect. We all realize this and yet continue to criticize and insult ourselves.

Change what you can change and accept the rest as a necessary part of your own unique humanity. Make peace with who you are.

I Am Not My Dad

Having kids reveals so much about yourself.  I honestly don't know who I would be without my sons.  God uses them constantly to teach me about myself.  I would like to think I was a great dad but I think I was just determined to not be My Dad and to allow God to teach me along the process.

I have struggled along the way with all the behaviors I saw modeled by my dad; anger, lies, blame, threats, drinking, smoking, verbal arson, violence, impatience, broken promises, stealing, cheating, bragging, grudges, disinterest, workaholism, never satisfied, never expressing love, adultery, abuse, talking his way out of responsibility, procrastinating, hoarding, and more.

Even with all that, he was not all bad- only mostly bad.  One would have to say I learned what NOT TO DO from my Dad.

So many times I would get after my sons and God would stop me mid-sentence-
"What are you thinking?"....
"Why don't you listen to me?"....
"Why do you keep making the same mistakes?"....
"Where did you learn that from?"....
"How many times do I have to tell you?"...

Each time God would show me something about myself and our relationship.  The relationship about a child and his Heavenly Father.  The Father who does not let you down, is ultimately patient, who disciplines for our good, who is with us always, who is faithful and keeps His word.

To that end I feel very sad for anyone who never has children.  There is a wealth of learning and self-discovery there that you cannot get any other way.

Augmented Selfishness

I remember a line from a Bill Cosby monologue, it was regarding a roommate in college thinking that alcohol accentuates his personality.  To which Cosby quips, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

We all have places in our soul, our maturity, where we are stuck on Selfish.  I have a whole pageful of annoying habits, quirks, and behaviors that I have identified that I would like to be rid of for good.  I am sure others that know me well could add another page to that list. 

One of my few shows I watch on TV is Big Bang Theory, which is about a group of highly intelligent, socially inept science nerds.  The total oblivion that the characters have to social cues is hilarious and the basis for the whole show. Perhaps it is so funny because we can relate, we just can't see it from inside our world.

Seeing ourselves are we truly are is complicated because we have created filtered lenses which we see the world and our place in it. I will dig there at a later time, right now let's focus on Selfish.  A friend tells me that when we bypass a lesson that we need to learn, circumstances appear, again and again, until we face that lesson and pass the test.  Let's say that the lesson is how to get along with others, or how to handle money or how to discipline your children; you know the subject is unavoidable yet we will blame others and take shortcuts never making a disciplined effort to address our shortcomings.  The pain will only increase for ourselves and the people around us until we are proactive in meeting our test. 

Step one in identifying selfishness is this, we need to lay bare our self-centric behavior.  Maybe you need an inventory of your shortcomings.  Not so you can flog yourself, but so that you can begin the work we would all rather avoid.

If you would be so vulnerable, perhaps after you have done your inventory, you might post a few things you discovered.  You might find you are not alone...

Resonate

Somewhere along life's road, you were redirected. This isn't where you were meant to be.  Yet your destiny and direction calls to you, striking a call to your soul that longs to bring you Home.  In spite of the choices and turns you have made, your authenticity calls you out, draws you back.  There is a resonance, a harmonic that sings in the world, looking for you to intone by becoming who you were created to be.  It waits for you to realize that there is no other you, there is no other who can do what you do the way you do it.  There is a perfect place that you were created to be.  Can you hear it?

We are all a bit peculiar, eccentric in our thinking and unique in the connections we make mentally, emotionally, spiritually.  We each have a few strengths and oh so many weaknesses yet we don't see that we are not independent despite our many weaknesses.  We run on pride and fear; wanting to be independent and fearful of being exposed as needy or deficient.  It makes for a lonely interior life, this fearful hiding and drive to be self-sufficient.  It requires so much effort that we overlook that ringing harmonic that seeks our pure tone, that is our authenticity.

Ah, but we can't back track or start over again.  We can only move in a linear fashion forward.  Some of us carry heavy baggage.  We will make it to our destination with courage and helping one another.

That Resonance may only be a distant sound to you as though it was echoing across a mountain range or pinging across the ocean, but it calls you.  You will not be whole until you find it's source and stand in it's full clear wave.

So here we stand, covered in that which is not you, imitating that which is someone else, listening to others tell you who you should be and what you need to be happy.  Like waking from a dream you crash to earth, aware that life is not but a dream, and discover how far your imagination has taken you from the truth.

See your authenticity as undressing yourself, casting off the expectations and image management, all the masks.  Tear down the facade that is your pride.  Stand naked without these things and take a hard look at yourself.  It is hard, I know; our weaknesses were well disguised.  But the next part is harder: allow others to see you naked- expose yourself to others who will walk with you.  Rebuilding and healing from your emaciation and nakedness to a healthier and wholly authentic you.

That is where we are going...